Dear Spawn:
First -- it goes without saying (actually, I say it every day. at least once), that I love you both very, very much. And because I love you, I am offering a few pointers to help get us through the next 10+ years of co-habitation:
1) There is a difference between an "inside voice" and an "outside voice". I start to twitch when you confuse them. Here's a hint: if you look up and see ceiling, turn down the volume a bit. Exceptions include gushing blood (not to be confused with oozing blood), outright flames (not to be confused with a simple smolder), and Ed McMahon at the front door (not be be confused with the nice Irish neighbor).
2) When I ask you to be quiet for a bit, I'm not just asking you to stop talking. Quiet also extends to humming, snorting, finger snapping, hilarious attempts at whistling, and the intentional release of gas from any orifice.
3) The intentional release of gas is never appropriate at the dinner table. The same rule applies to the lunch table and the breakfast table. It also applies to car rides, airplane rides, and when we're under the covers together. We have multiple bathrooms. Use them.
4) Vegetables will always be served. Stop looking so surprised.
5) There's a reason I don't let you troll around YouTube without supervision. Someday you'll understand why. Sometime after that you'll thank me.
6) Asking you to clean your room is not code for asking you to shove everything under your beds and dressers. I understand that it's your duty as a child to employee this cleaning strategy. It's my duty as a mother to bust you.
7) You begged and begged and begged for a dog. We spent a small fortune on the little asshole and now you complain about having to play with him. Everyone told me to expect it, but I still think it's pretty shitty. Unless your arms are broken, I expect you to throw him a ball for a little while every day.
8) The answer to "wanna smell my butt/armpit/breath?" will ALWAYS be no. Save your breath.
9) Stop asking if the tooth fairy is real unless you really want to know the answer.
10) Another thing to stop? Stop writing school essays on how we take you to bars. It makes us look bad. Besides, we take you to PUBS, not bars.
11) Don't hug me and then tell me you love how soft and squishy I am. That soft and squishy was the direct result of 46 hours of labor (31 for Ean and 15 for Zoe). The more often you say it, the more often your ungrateful butts will get dumped the the gym childcare. Tread lightly.
12) You're only 9 and 7 and you've been to 20 of the 50 states. I hope you appreciate this.
13) Ean: I don't care if you're "going for distance". When you miss the toilet and pee on the bathroom floor, things start to smell. It's gross and I'm the one who has to clean it.
14) Sometimes Mommy and Daddy kiss. It's not *always* and invitation for a family hug.
15) Not all family hugs have to include the dog. He licks his ass and has bad breath. Sometimes it kills the moment.
16) I do, in fact, have eyes in the back of my head.
17) I hate homework too.
18) Know what else I hate? Chuck E Cheese. Please, please, please stop asking to go. Stop trying to tempt me by reminding me that they serve beer.
19) Know what I love? Seeing how much you love each other. Hearing you laugh. Watching your kindness and empathy. You know what I don't love? How your sweetness can turn on a dime and transform you into mini psychopaths. Listen, it's not rocket science: when your brother/sister says "stop poking me", remove the offending phalange. Immediately. It'll save us all a lot of hassle.
20) Just so you know, I come in your rooms when you're sleeping. Your sleeping faces bring back memories of how helpless you once were. I miss those days. If you ever catch me, please don't ask me to stop.
Hope this information proves helpful to you both.
Love,
Mom
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