Auld Lang Syne

I'm not gonna lie:  2011 was not my favorite year.

It was a year of losing someone very dear to me.  It was a year of loneliness.  It was a year of failing, time and time again, to really do my best.  It was a year of stagnation.

It's New Year's Eve morning, 2011 and I'm sitting -- literally and figuratively -- in the same place I was 365 days ago.  I am still a barely-employed stay-at-home mom/consultant.  I still start evey day with a promise to write something/anything.  I still end nearly evey day with the shame of having frittered away my time.  I still walk around with that same gnawing sense that something essential is missing.   2011 is ending, and I have not brought my best.  I've not even come close.

Stagnation is an odd thing though, and not entirely without blessings.  My lack of motion left me with a whole lot of time to squirm around in my skin.  In 2011, I was like a car stalled on a desolate back road.  Without movement, I had no choice but to stare at the same scene day after day after day.  Stalled out on that desolate back road, I frequently found myself nose-to-nose with bits of myself that were easily blurred and overlooked  by the motion of more momentous years.

These bits and I  -- we've have a bit of a showdown in 2011.  Some of them I picked like scabs, then wallowed in various combinations of grief and self-pity as I bled.  Some of them I tried to cover, like hanging a picture over a chunk of broken drywall.  Some were ugly.  Many more, surprisingly, were not.  They all shouted for attention.  They all demanded to be claimed.

So that's what I did in 2011:  I tentatively and reluctantly began to lay claim to myself.  I have brushed against my own ugliness and beauty, envies and desires, hopes, fears, and scars.  And, sitting in that stalled car on a desolate back road, I've learned a little bit about each of them. 

I've learned that even the ugliest thing isn't so awful.  I've learned that envy makes me a smaller person.  I've learned that I often don't put enough energy into things that matter, and put way too much into things that don't. 

I've learned that desires and hopes need voices before they can even begin to take form.  I've learned that my deep sensitivity and deep compassion go hand in hand and neither should be stemmed.

I've learned that the most frightening thing to claim is my own beauty and power, because once I own them, I can no longer deny my responsibility to myself.

I hope I can get my car stated in 2012, because while I've made some peace with this view, I suspect there's lots more for me to see.

Happy 2012 to us all. 

May we all be be loved and accepted. 

May we all  love and accept. 

May we all bless the spaces and people we touch.

May we all be blessed.

 

Comments

[Andie]

Happy New Year Tricia! I think this blog post shows that you are a truly beautiful person, inside and out. I miss you and hope 2012 is a wonderful year for you and your family!

[Michele]

wonderful!!! have a blessed 2012

[Marie]

LOVE your honesty. "May we all be blessed"...xoxo