Twelve years ago (this week, actually!), when the internet was a nascent wobbly-legged toddler and social media was not even a twinkle in a certain Aspergian's eye, I got engaged. Rich proposed in France, or at least the most earnest ersatz of France this side of the pond: Epcot. It was sweet and lovely and took me completely by surprise. When we landed back in New York a few days later, I was ready to buy every glossy bridal magazine that made it into my line of vision.
If you've ever planned a wedding for yourself, you know it's only a matter of time before your looming connubiality seeps into every moment of your day. It is because of this phenomenon that I found myself sipping coffee and perusing wedding planning websites at work one morning. I'm not sure how I landed there, or even what the message board was called -- something like Planning a 2000 Wedding, or something equally utilitarian. I only remember that it was hosted by iVillage and that there were lots of women offering tips for the most diplomatic way to cull your guestlist and where to buy the most supportive strapless bras.
It was fun.
In midst of all the fun though, something more began to emerge. Chats about wedding cakes and receptions venues were occasionally interspersed by sheepish confessions of fear and uncertainty. We began talking, not just about weddings, but about marriages. About how our lives were changing. About how we felt about those changes.
Weddings happened pretty much every weekend that year. One by one, we stopped needing advice on centerpieces and cocktail hours --- yet we kept coming back to each other. Planning a Wedding morphed into The First Year of Marriage. We shared wedding pictures and honeymoon stories. We talked about navigating and negotiating a new phase in our lives.
Twelve years ago, well before social media and virtual relationships wiggled their way into every corner of our lives, 20 or so women from every corner of the country became friends.
In barely more than a blink, chatter about new marriages turned into chatter about the prospects of motherhood. We thought we shared a lot when we were planning weddings and pondering matrimony ---- little did we know how far we'd push the concept of TMI as we discussed conception and pregnancy!! As we were each crossing the threshold into motherhood, we were also deepening and cementing a bond that, I think, took us all by surprise.
I can only speak for myself here, but I can honestly say that these women were my lifeline during early motherhood. Oh God, those days. Every mother knows what I'm talking about -- the days when you sat home alone, staring at your newborn, and cycling (rapidly!) between ecstasy and terror. Like most women of my generation, I didn't have a close-knit community of women to offer companionship and support during that sacred time.
Except that I did.....
My community didn't consist of next-door neighbors and extended family. I couldn't sit on my front porch and talk to the neighborhood mothers about feeding or developmental milestones. Or how lonely and inept I felt. But, in 2002, I could turn on my computer, listening as my noisy modem did its magic, and reach out for the support of one of my "board friends".
Back in those early days, when we all had newborns, it seemed like someone was always around. Panicked questions about breastfeeding or bizarre diaper contents were answered within minutes. Pleas for reassurance were met with love and compassion. Many times we just wanted to know someone was out there --- and someone always was.
We've been through a lot together: in the 12-years since we "met", we've had over 40 children (with another on the way!). We've shared lots of joy and laughter, and like all friends do, lots of strife and sadness. We've held on to each other during scary pregnancies, pre-mature babies, and miscarriages. There have been sick moms, sick babies, and special-needs kids. We've seen each other through divorces, re-marriages, bankruptcies, natural disasters, and terror attacks.
We're a diverse and somewhat unlikely group --- we have a few teachers, some writers, a couple of photographers, a lawyer, an electrical engineer, a statistician, some marketing folks, a librarian, and a few others that I'm sure I'm missing. Some of us are still at-home, some are back to work. We're republicans and democrats, faithful and agnostic. I am willing to bet that not a single one of us would have predicted the impact we've had on each others' lives.
I don't talk about these friends much -- because, really, how do you explain to people that you have these dear friends inside the computer, many of whom you've never been in the same room with?
Twelve years ago, we started out as young brides and now many of us are into or approaching our 40's. And as we make our way through our 13th year together, I'd like to offer up big ole' THANK YOU to my "board friends". Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves. Thank you for allowing me to share so much of myself with you. Thank you for all the times you "listened" when I needed you, and thank you for trusting me with your joys and sorrows.
Thank you for being the friends I can't quite explain....
Love this and you!
Posted by: Amy Brocato Pearson | February 15, 2012 at 11:50 AM