OK, so last year wasn't JUST about woeful introspection: my naval-gazing and brow-furrowed contemplation was occasionally interrupted by lighter moments. So here's what ELSE I learned in 2011:
1 - You should be paranoid when backing out of a parking space. At risk of compromising an ongoing legal case (complete with new and head-exploding updates as of today!) all I can say is that failure to maintain a proper level of paranoia may result in a whole host of hassle and a new level of disgust for a certain class of legal professionals. I've also learned that, perhaps, it's better for me to avoid reverse whenever possible -- even if it means circling the parking lot until finding the perfect "pull-through" spot.
2 - The pharmacist at Walgreen's doesn't find it funny when you joke about your meth lab while waiting for your behind-the-counter pseudo-ephedrine. The pharmacist at CVS is similarly lacking in a sense of humor.
3 - Fried green tomatoes are da bomb. This makes me an official Southerner.
4 - Féria hair-color ALWAYS makes me look like I've washed by hair with Kool-Aid.
5 - If you spend the day driving around town, freaking out about what the hell might be wrong with your steering because your minivan is pulling (HARD!) to the right, consider taking a peek at your tires. You might have a flat. You might also learn that driving around on your wheel adds an additional repair expense. You'll also learn that the men in the repair shop will laugh in your face and not feel the slightest bit bad about it.
6 - The dog can run really, really fast. Even with a cast on his leg.
7 - When booking a flight, always, Always, ALWAYS triple-check a.m. or p.m Always.. Then check again because there's a good chance you fucked it up.
8 - You will probably never develop a taste for scotch -- even really expensive scotch.
9 - When you've had several glasses of wine, followed by coffee and dessert, it's best to "just say no" to the pink after-dinner drinks served at your husband's holiday office party. It doesn't matter how pretty they are or that everyone else is drinking them. You will not enjoy the hour-long ride home.
10 - Ean will be JUST FINE in a regular-ed classroom.
11 - Gel manicures are worth the extra money.
12 - The kids love and do well on road-trips. Even really long ones.
13 - If you fall on your head hard enough to be worried you might have done some damage, get yourself checked out. I fell off my bike in April of 2010 and had some odd symptoms in my right ear immediately afterwards, followed by severe vertigo. I got rid of the vertigo via the Epely Manuaver done by a competent and trusted clinician, and I thought that was the end of it. It wasn't. I developed tinnitus in my right ear last month, and after a full work-up by an ENT and audiologist, I learned that I have nerve damage in my right inner ear. The most likely cause is the swelling following the head injury. I opted not to go the the ER because I wanted to avoid the radiation associated with the inevitable CT-scan. However, this was one of those times where modern medicine has a place. Had I had the CT-scan, they probably would have seen the swelling. I likely would have been treated with a heavy-duty course of steroids to stem the inflammation. The synthetic steroids would have come with icky side-effects, but they would have probably decreased the degree of permanent nerved damage.
14 - On the flip side, tinnitus is a GREAT way to cultivate mental discipline. Imagine you have the equivalent of a constant dial tone in your right ear. Now imagine that the more attention you pay to it, the louder it gets. Now imagine how hard you have to work at NOT paying attention to it. Way to flex those mental muscles -- am I right?
15 - Don't spill water on your laptop.
16 - If you do spill water on your laptop and your Facebook friends tell you to dry it out by letting it sit in white rice, don't dump the container of long-grain wild rice on the machine instead. Long-grain wild rice is dusty and will only make the problem worse.
17 - Don't then try to fix the dust problem by spraying your keyboard with a can of compressed air, held about 1.5 centimeters from the computer. That shit freezes.
18 - Your husband loves it when you tell him how much you appreciate his hard work and dedication to his family. You should do it more often.
19 - Yoga headstands are better than xanax.
20 - I've learned that it's always a bad idea to show off your flexibility during happy hour. While jumping into a split SEEMS like a good idea after a few glasses of wine, you will pay for it for weeks to come.
So, what did YOU learn in 2011?
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